Midnight Rant: Dealing with a Spinning head.

The conscience is blank. As blank as it could be.

Cant remember the last time something was "how it should be".

Expectations were never a forte ever.

But the changes did have their own fervor.

Its important to move on from what "could've been",

And look forward into the reality that shall now be seen.

But its an infinite loop of images flashing fast.

Some images known and others just feelings that as an image, cant be cast.

An image full of vibrant colors,

but having cracks because of all the tremors.

The head starts spinning from right when it all went south,

to when you wanted to say a lot but just couldn't open your mouth,

To every inch of unresolved doubt,

Closure isn't probably all this is about.

Its more about the imagery that remains uncertain.

The prize that was behind the other curtain.

Then there is a realization amidst the alleged pain,

It was your choice to choose the curtain with a stain.

Although some images can never be retained,

Just because at the right time, they never pertained.

Some loss in transition is indispensable.

Some transitions can be tough but never abominable.

the mind accomplishes some limits where comprehension fails.

Its a spinning head, it can't walk straight on rails.

It has to go in circles round the streets where it shouldn't have been.

Across all the images that need to be forgotten and rendered unseen.

Through all the instances you would prefer to call as destiny.

But this open trespassing is the brain's usual mutiny.

The wound seems internal, something that you could fake.

But pretensions of not having it at all are easier for everyone to take.

It sounds so bad, is it really this tragic?

Is it time to give up and believe in some magic?

Magic is not a myth, it does happen several times.

Not every magic can convert your cents to dimes.

But is it too early to believe that its all over?

Or too late to understand that it cannot go any lower?

Time too is money, but it is rather just a reference.

Something that can patch everything or create all the difference.

Its said for consolation though,to "give it some time".

Some consolations are sufficient indeed. just like this rhyme.

Its a new day every time you wake.

You have everything in the world to take.

It might be hard and it could be unbearable.

It may also sometimes be simply "un-shareable".

It sounds like some excruciating pain.

But its your head! So your own responsibility to contain.

Just ask it simply to take a break for the day.

And give it some rest for the next if you may!.

And after the rest you need not tell anyone you haven't slept.

Just laugh it off saying you overslept.

Because its not just the head that is spinning, its your thoughts too.

A blur that is there which you just can't shoo.

But right after the reboot on waking up you realize, 

it was just a bad dream not at all a big surprise.

Its better to deal with all the baggage before it will clutter.

Not all the bad dreams will last forever.

Rather than pondering upon the mess that you've made,

You need to find a way out because its a maze that you've made.

Howsoever the painting be, you made it so hang it on the wall.

Its just a matter of perspective. Just have a Look! Its not that bad after all.

-Aishwariy

Pieces

When you were running out looking for peace

But find yourself in pieces

When you think you've lost your niche

Buried down under all cliches

When the links were all broken

Loosing all the tokens

Making it look like it was meant to be!

whereas It was an attempt to set yourself free.

It was all about the things that were never talked out loud.

It was all about the stings whose healing wasn't allowed.

The pain was thought to be temporary

and was assumed to be necessary

For all that was to be done wasn't for someone else's sake.

Whatever was to be done was for getting over that one mistake.

The one mistake that will always keep you fretting

The one that no one will ever be forgetting

The one that wasn't worth all the sweating

The one that occurred by not reacting.

All you wanted was for them to endorse.

But instead you ended up with a deep remorse.

A remorse in which anyone would engross.

It was a forfeit! not something you fought with force.

You may find it smooth to give up, leave the fight.

It may look easy to do, but is not that right.

It may look too gloomy but it could be bright.

Maybe if you keep going, it will get allright.

Because a mistake isn't really meant to define you.

But all it does is refine you.

A cleaner version of yourself shines in the mirror.

A brighter light reflects with vigor.

Because every broken piece that you found has to be mended.

Its your life and you know it has to be amended.

Its natural if some pieces are no more a fit.

And that's why you have your mind, a toolkit.

Some pieces need to be filed and fixed.

Be careful this time, they shouldn't be mixed.

The mistake you made was an expectation.

A new mistake but not beyond your creation.

You were expected to make it, thus an error by choice.

You chose to expect thus an error of choice.

But there is only one thing to keep the stone turning.

Whatever may come ahead, never stop learning.

And all the regret you keep, and all that remorse

Shall fade away maybe, with time of course.

And the glue of learning that you used to stick those pieces,

May make the "peace" permanent and could even correct your glitches.

-Aishwariy

A Little Girl

I once knew a little girl

Who seemed to be obsessed with Pearls.

No matter how the sea would whirl

She would try to go deep with a swirl

One night when the moon was nice and bright,

But still there wasn't enough of light,

To see what the sea held at its shore,

The girl didn't know what for her was in store.

The sand on the beach, a shell it held

Ecstatic was how the girl had felt.

Another pearl for the collection she thought,

Certainly cannot leave it here to rot.

But she didn't know it really well,

how carrying herself away could unleash hell,

Because the Shell Opened for once and for all,

And engulfed the girl, she couldn't even call.

What, when ,where ,whom to tell?

There was no one to hear her yell.

She was probably turned into a churl.

That's how Once I knew a little girl,

Whose soul found fatal, her obsession with pearls.

Inspired from this lovely piece : http://cruisingalone.blogspot.in/2016/09/a-little-boy.html

-Aishwariy

The Escape through a Landscape

Sitting by the window, gazing through the diaphanous drape

Meditating on the squirrel's half-eaten grape,

Undeterred by the tree that was completely out of it's shape,

Someone was planning her great escape.

It was not as easy as it seemed to be,

Maybe it wasn't even meant to be.

But what kept the mind busy

was it's determination to be completely free

A resolution was passed with all the might

"No one would find me! Let it just for once be night

I have had enough of all this fight!!".

But howsoever small it was, there was a small plight

Because she knew that escaping was not right.

She would savour the taste of which later, It wasn't such a bite.

And it was nowhere near dark yet, the day was still bright.

A tug of war was on, between courage and fright.

The conscience's fight was brilliantly being fought.

With great conquests achieved, the heart was also not easy to be caught.

It was not at all a new agony that was brought.

Amidst all this there was a part of her that was distraught.

Claims of sanity were proving to be fake

It was all to much to be kept at stake

"What if destiny was pre-determined? and it wasn't something I could make?"

"What is going to be left for me finally to take?"

These questions had already kept her for three nights, Awake!!.

She was always taught about the final call that could make or break.

She remembered, "To make such decisions you should be placid like a lake."

She soon realized the importance of this utterance, making this choice was not a piece of cake.

Suddenly a thought came across and she felt beaten

"What if I also leave the grape like the squirrel?; half-eaten"

And suddenly the tree caused the hope to lessen 

"What if complete freedom leads me to 'something' that must not happen?"

And as quickly as these thoughts were initiated, they were in the very next moment equilibrated

All the sufferings released, all confusions gone,every doubt & all the pain abated.

The squirrel was back for the half-eaten grape, which wasn't something she had expected,

And then a bird flew back to her nest on the skew branch of that tree, she felt elated.

Although not everything is in it's place right now, but there will be a day for sure,

When all of this will seem to be a bliss and stopping is never the cure.

When the situations are compelling, it becomes easy for "lets-run-away" to lure.

And one moment of clarity, could bring back your parity, it is "lets-run-away" that you abjure.

Amidst all these thoughts when the sun gave-in for the day.

And the moon embedded itself in the dark night's drape.

Running away now felt funny to say

As she already had her escape...

through the landscape.  

-Aishwariy

आज़ादी ?

आज आज़ादी को उनहत्तर  साल पूरे हुए हैं । देश में जश्न का माहौल होना चाहिए। आज़ादी है भई ! आसानी से थोड़े  ही मिलती  है। और फिर बात भी हो रही है तो "भारत" की आज़ादी की । ऐसा देश जिसे प्रगतिशील देशों में एक युवा देश के रूप में देखा जाता है । और फिर जब युवा ही देश में बहुसंख्यक हों तो आज़ादी की बात पर जश्न मनना तो बनता है । ऐसे युवा जिन्हें देश की महानता पर कोई शक या शंका नहीं है, और न ही शंका है अपनी आज़ादी पर। फिर भी कुछ चीजें मजबूर करती हैं ये सोचने पर कि आखिर आज़ादी है क्या?

कुछ प्रश्न.....

क्या सड़क पर पान की पिचकारी मार पाना आज़ादी है? या दूसरों को पिचकारी मारने से मना करना आज़ादी है? या दूसरों की पिचकारी को विवश होकर झेलना आज़ादी है?

क्या चौराहे पर यातायात सिग्नल का पालन करना आज़ादी है ? या सिग्नल को तोड़ देना आज़ादी है? या सिग्नल का पालन कर रहे व्यक्ति के पीछे खड़े होकर बार बार हॉर्न बजा कर उसे सिग्नल तोड़ने के लिए विवश करना आज़ादी है?

क्या उसी सिग्नल पे छोटे बच्चे को फटे हाल स्थिति में अखबार बेचते देखना आज़ादी है ? या उस बच्चे के द्वारा अखबार बेचा जाना आज़ादी है ? या उस बच्चे का पढ़ने-लिखने की उम्र में पेट भरने के लिए ऐसे काम करने को विवश होना आज़ादी है ?

क्या उसी अखबार में छपी एक बाढ़ की खबर को पढ़ना और उसे नज़रअंदाज़ कर देना आज़ादी है ? या उस बाढ़ को इसलिए नज़रअंदाज़ करना क्योंकि उसे दूरदर्शन पर नहीं दिखाया गया, आज़ादी है ? या समाचार चैनलों का उस खबर को तूल ही न देना आज़ादी है ?

क्या उसी समाचार चैनल पर, चैनल द्वारा कुछ लोगों  की चिल्ला-चोट को प्रसारित कर पाना आज़ादी है ? या उस चिल्ला-चोट में भाग लेने वालों का आपस में हाथापाई कर पाना आज़ादी है ? या उन चैनलों पर समाचारों के स्थान पर सास बहु और साज़िशों के बारे में देखना, दिखाना आज़ादी है ?

क्या उसी टी.वी. के किसी चैनल पर अंधविश्वासों से भरा कोई कार्यक्रम देखना आज़ादी है ? या उस चैनल का उस कार्यक्रम को प्रसारित कर पाना आज़ादी है ? या उस कार्यक्रम को देखकर अन्धविश्वास जाग्रत करना आज़ादी है ?

क्या उन अंधविश्वासों से प्रेरित होकर उनका पालन करना आज़ादी है ? या उन अंधविश्वासों का विरोध करने वाले किसी व्यक्ति की हत्या करना आज़ादी है ? या उस व्यक्ति की हत्या के विरोध में दिए हुए सम्मान को लौटना आज़ादी है ?

क्या सोशल मीडिया पर अपने विचार व्यक्त कर पाना आज़ादी है ? या उन विचारों से आहात होकर विचार व्यक्त करने वाले को  हवालात की सैर करवाना आज़ादी है ? या बिना किसी ताथ्यिक पुष्टि के सोशल मीडिया पर  किसी भी पोस्ट को सच मान लेना आज़ादी है ? 

क्या उसी सोशल मीडिया पर चिर-विरोधी नेताओं का एक दूसरे की भर्त्सना कर पाना आज़ादी है ? या उन नेताओं के कार्य क्षेत्र में उनका विरल ही शक्ल दिखाना आज़ादी है ? या उन नेताओं का साधारण जनता को रिश्वत देने के लिए विवश करना आज़ादी है ?

क्या उन नेताओं का संवाददाताओं द्वारा पर्दाफाश कर पाना आज़ादी है? या उन संवाददाताओं द्वारा सत्य को छुपा पाना आज़ादी है? या उन संवाददाताओं द्वारा बाढ़ पीड़ितों से संवेदनहीन होकर पूछना कि "आप कैसा महसूस कर रहे हैं ?" आज़ादी है?

क्या सेना के प्रयासों का श्रेय नेताओं के द्वारा ले लिया जाना आज़ादी है? या सेना के द्वारा मारे गए आतंकी की मौत पर जनता का मातम मनना आज़ादी है? या मातम मनाते हुए, जाना द्वारा सेना पर ही पथराव कर देना आज़ादी है?

क्या धर्म के नाम पर देश को माँ का दर्ज़ा न देना आज़ादी है? या देशभक्ति के भाव को पूर्णतया एक ही वाक्यांश से जोड़कर देखना आज़ादी है? या उसपर धार्मिक सियासत खेलना आज़ादी है ?

क्या किसी पशु विशेष का मांस खा पाना आज़ादी है ? या उस पशु विशेष के मांस को ग्रहण करने वाले को स्वायत्त होकर मृत्यु दंड दे  देना आज़ादी है ? या किसी पशु विशेष को धर्म से जोड़ना आज़ादी है ?

हम आज़ाद हैं.....  सच में ???

"हम आज़ाद हैं" बोलना आसान है, और सुनने में भी अच्छा भी लगता है।  लेकिन ये वाक्य २ प्रश्न उठता है।  जिसमे से एक के "उत्तर" में ऊपर कुछ प्रश्न आप पढ़ ही चुके हैं, और जो दूसरा प्रश्न है, वो है कि "हम" में कौन आता है?

भौतिक रूप से हर भारतवासी परतंत्र नहीं है । भारत एक स्वतंत्र देश है ।और इसी परिभाषा से हर भारतवासी स्वतंत्र देश का नागरिक है। लेकिन आज़ादी कभी भी केवल भौतिक नहीं हो सकती। आज़ादी व्यक्ति के मन से होती है, और विचारों से भी।  वैचारिक आज़ादी के बगैर यदि कोई मनुष्य स्वयं को आज़ाद मानता है, तो यह केवल एक विरोधाभास से बढ़कर और कुछ नहीं। 

परतंत्र होने के पहले हमारे पास भौतिक रूप से आज़ादी तो थी और वैचारिक रूप से भी। लेकिन इन दोनों के हनन के पश्चात और आज़ादी के लिए पुनः लड़ने के उपरांत जो आज़ादी हमारे लिए हमारे देश के बलिदानी वीरों ने जीती उसे हमने केवल भौतिकता की जंजीरों में जकड़ा हुआ छोड़ दिया है, और वैचारिक स्वतंत्रता से देश का आम नागरिक अभी भी दूर ही प्रतीत होता है।  

वैचारिक स्वतंत्रता के आने के बाद भी सब कुछ सही हो जाएगा ऐसा नहीं है। लेकिन वैचारिक स्वतंत्रता का क्रियान्वन बदलाव लाएगा, इस बदलाव के लिए महत्वपूर्ण कदम वैचारिक बंधनों की ज़ंजीरों को तोड़ना है। फिलहाल , समय की मांग है वैचारिक स्वतंत्रता से क्रांति लाने की। जब तक  स्वतंत्रता के साथ वैचारिक स्वतंत्रता का मिलाप नहीं होगा, तब तक दो ही प्रश्नों पर हम फंसे रह जाएंगे,  क्या हम आज़ाद हैं ? और अगर हैं भी तो इस आज़ादी के मायने आखिर हैं क्या? और फिर वो आज़ादी भी आज़ादी कैसी, जो चंद  प्रश्नों के भी उत्तर न दे पाए। 

और हाँ.... स्वतंत्रता दिवस की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं....... :D  

-ऐश्वर्य 

A Selfish Post

There is nothing new in this post. The thing that this post is about is something way too sensitive to just write a post about. A mere post is nothing that can change the thing that needs to be changed. This mere post cannot even be a prelude to initiate the change that needs to be initiated. It is also not sufficient to even make people remember this thing. Mostly people do remember this thing but tend to clear their buffers and fill them with stuff within their reach. No hard feelings against this tendency. It's only natural to do so. So, after mentioning of the futility of this post, you might be wondering why am I even writing this post, the title says it all. It's a selfish post to let it all out from the inside to make some space. After all there is nothing too old in this post either.

A group of people united together to call themselves "Students" in some other language, in some nation near our country, some 2-3 decades ago. This group was a fighter for the people from amongst the people against the invaders who were trying to plunder their homeland. This group was supported by other neighboring countries as well. Then there was a time when this group used to do what was right and this was intended as well. But it couldn't handle the momentum of power and swayed away from it's path. Main reason being the lack of proper EDUCATION among the students. This irony is just way too baffling. By now if you are feeling that these statements are some figment of fiction, some stories of some alien colonies from out of the world (which I know you didn't think.. I just wanted to make the post a bit "Universal" :P ), then let me take you back to the small continent of Asia (a small part of the Universe), where we can find the group of students in the country of Afghanistan, called Taliban.

Now coming to the reason of writing this thing up. Few days ago Amjad Sabri a Qawwal of the league of the great Sabri brothers was shot dead. Cause of this shooting was pertaining to blasphemy. Responsibitity of this was taken by the TTP. The Pakistani version of this group of students, which is just a duplication of the original gone wrong, like real real bad. So, singing something contextually religious and getting yourself killed for it by the alleged religious police of your place is not "Ironic" if you are the followers of different religions. But a paradox creeps in when you two follow the same religion. When a crowd is under educated and is given a gun, every thing that they can't do or they don't like becomes blasphemy for them. Apparently, they get so despised by the blasphemy of others that they kill them. And then after killing the people they get so despised by their own sins that they try yo kill everyone around them and themselves as well.

Being a big fan of Sufi music and Qawwali personally, it feels strange when someone who was just expressing his feelings of gratitude and faith in his Lord gets killed, just because his prayers were awesomely musical. It is futile to try and find logic in these activities, because there isn't any. The root cause for all this seems to be only one. "MISINTERPRETATION". When you are not capable enough to understand what meaning has to be taken up from whatever is written in whichever holy book, you shouldn't be expected to not pick up a gun or not be a suicide bomber or not kill innocent children in a school just because they were kids of some army officials, who were stopping you to do stupid things and killing the ones of your own kind. Or maybe on some other day you shouldn't be expected to just  not start firing in some place full of people because you are a trained homophobe and others present there are not, and justify the act in the name of God. The instances to name are many.

All in all the point is that a bad seed can never bear a tree with good fruits. And, it's nobody's fault as well. But, to check this prevailing ignorance among people, the need is to make the understanding and interpretation of the right meaning of whatever is wrongly understood by them. But to do that could again be blasphemy, and maybe some other crime as well in the "Misinterpreted Dictionaries" that are already there. 

There is only one solution again.. Quality Education. 

That's it.. Everything's pretty much out for now.. Thanks for reaching till the end :P

-Aishwariy

Insomnia

Completely random thoughts surround the mind under the cover of a deep sleep.The sleep may neither be sound, nor be fulfilling, because of numerous factors. Be it the situation in which sleep was attained, or because of the thoughts that surrounded and sabotaged the sleep, disguised under the masks of the gentle soothers, stabbing in the back with the knives of vulnerabilities and insecurities. The sleep may sure as hell be sound and normal as well. (discussing that would defeat the purpose of this blog. :P)

It could be a small memory, (not quantitatively, explained later), that decreases the randomness of the thoughts, applying constraints over the wild sea of the synaptic misfires that are making the (mis)connections, leading to a feeling of detachment from the senses, completely making you let go of the petty situation in which the sleep was attained, and taking you away from the very surroundings of the dim lit space in which you found yourselves just after you slithered into the sleep, completely unaware of what memories are going to create a web of constraints into your gullible head that you are going to interpret as a dream. But it is the lack of sleep that leads to the misfiring neurons. The sole reason for why sometimes the real world and your dreams seem to combine together to form a hybrid and delusional world for you. May be the concept of Deja Vu is also in some way related to this hybrid world, where nanoseconds start making the difference and you can't even realize that what you just saw and feel that it had happened earlier but it didn't really happen earlier.

When I woke up in the train, all of a sudden, travelling all alone in a train for the first time, frankly speaking I was rattled. I do have various theories for that(Most of the times I do.. :P), one of them being the sleeplessness from the last two nights. The day of the first night, was taken away by the Minor Project Report. And then the partial night by mulling over the project. The rest of the night was still a part where I don't understand the decision I made completely. On the surface, staying the night at the Hostel was to avoid sleeping while driving back home (Believe me!! I really could.. :P) on the advice of some wise friends.(Guys!! Comment if you read this :P). Then the next day, after submission of the project in the morning, there was something dragging me away from home, it could have been the usual procrastinative surge, but actually it wasn't. It was some other mechanism, trying to avoid anything that could turn into anything overwhelming. The mechanism backfired anyways, because two almost full days in the College which you are about to leave in less than another year can't be less overwhelming than anything. The true reasons were actually quite surprising. Anyway, being rattled no more appeared to be just some co-incidence, but it seemed more like a choice that I had made, maybe because I tried running away, as staying could have been "overwhelming"(yeah right :P).

Suddenly a man passed and I tried to match his face in the databases. But the query returned a tuple of NULL values. And that was the moment I got the connection to my senses back, which made me realize, this null value phenomenon was going to be a substantial part for the next few days. After being awoke when I went to wash my face, It was probably for the first time, when I was happy to see a face that was familiar. So happy that I had a smile on my face (No kidding). It was something I couldn't comprehend then and right now as well. But maybe somethings are better when left unexplained and kept safe in the repositories of unmatched experiences.

-Aishwariy